Family living and farming

[Asd]

Hi,

My wife and I live on the same farm as my parents. We have three children and are very happy together. I hope (and have worked) to someday own the farm but parents are not the type to talk about when/how.
Problem is my wife is now fed up with living on the same farm as my parents (we live in the same house but separated living spaces. Parents have to come to our front door to get in) she believes that my parents hate her and because I have no idea when I will start running the farm, she believes that it isn’t going to happen and would like her own house.
We spent a huge amount of our own money on renovating our side of the farm house and also pay rent to my parents.
I have worked for the farm for many years but for the last two I have set up my own business and earnt my own wage. Can I have some advise on what people have done in similar situations please? I am happy here but don’t want to lose my wife!

 

[SilliamWhale]

If you are earning separate money go get your own house for a bit? Or build another house on the farm a bit of distance away for your parents?

Try and keep on the best possible terms with your parents and ask your wife to do the same, this talk of them "hating" her doesn't help her or you.

I understand your wife's pov, she wants her own house/home. Keep supporting your parents whichever way you can and you after their days you can hopefully retain the farmstead longer term. But have a chat with parents so you know where you stand but have it in a way so they don't feel threatened, it's their home before it was yours!

 

[Nearly]

sell it to parents about building them a cottage down the drive. Modern, cheaper to heat and still able to keep an eye on comings and goings.
Don't mention retirement.

 

[idgni]

Hi,

My wife and I live on the same farm as my parents. We have three children and are very happy together. I hope (and have worked) to someday own the farm but parents are not the type to talk about when/how.
Problem is my wife is now fed up with living on the same farm as my parents (we live in the same house but separated living spaces. Parents have to come to our front door to get in) she believes that my parents hate her and because I have no idea when I will start running the farm, she believes that it isn’t going to happen and would like her own house.
We spent a huge amount of our own money on renovating our side of the farm house and also pay rent to my parents.
I have worked for the farm for many years but for the last two I have set up my own business and earnt my own wage. Can I have some advise on what people have done in similar situations please? I am happy here but don’t want to lose my wife!

" No House Is Big Enough for Two Women"
was a old proverb my Great Aunt used to quote.

Go get your own space, and your current place sounds ideal for a farmhouse B&B,

winners all around

 

[MickyMook]

Tricky dynamic but an age-old story unfortunately. I think that distance is the only option as has been said above. I live on one side of the farm and my parents on the other. When my wife and I outgrew our small house with our kids, we eventually swapped houses with my parents, obviously there are nitty gritty details that I'm choosing to keep private relating to this. I've always said that my dad and I need to live far enough apart that we can't throw stones at eachother after we leave the yard. Thankfully there was never any question of us all living under one roof as the previous generation tried this and learnt the hard way the truth in the old proverb idgni talks about.

 

[Bill the Bass]

Once there is talk of ‘hate’ you are on a slippy slope. It will most likely come down to you choosing between the farm and your parents or you wife.

If your relationship with your wife is strong and the farm will allow it (i e no livestock for you to tend to in evenings etc) then I think the advice for you to buy your own house off farm is very good, once you move back to the farm assuming succession goes your way you will have a house to rent out, sell or move into again once it comes around again with your kids.

my own personal experience in this is that once your partner picks faults in things they don’t stop until the scab is well and truly off and septic - I appreciate I am making massive assumptions but that is just my experience. I don’t mean to be or sound misogynistic but women can be very odd in these situations- logic goes out the window, so protect your interests financially and with the kids.

 

[flowerpot]

I think the older generation think this is lovely for the younger couple to move in and all be close together. Having spent 30 years living in my MIL's house, although separate, I have sympathy for your wife! However, I chose to keep quiet and grind my teeth and do my own thing as far as possible. Had I been a more argumentative character I think there would have been lots of rows, bad feeling and I don't know where it would have ended up. She was very bossy, she was in charge and had been since working for her father as a teenager, and then through the years of marriage, she was still the one who had the last say on anything and everything. Having said that, MIL was aware that it might be hard with two women in the same house, certainly in the earlier days and would sometimes make her meals separately although as she got older it got more difficult. But we were there for her and nursed her to the end.

The trouble is that even though you are separate, it is still your parents' house, and always will be,unless they move out. Some people asked me how we got on and whether it was a good idea, to which I replied "Err ............"
I think hate is a strong a word, but the older generation can be critical - child rearing, housekeeping, working off the farm, or not - and yes, often you feel as though having provided an heir for the farm, you are then surplus to requirements.

I'm not sure what the solution is, as you have spent a lot on the house to make it nice, so you have a lot of money tied up in it. Have you had a calm, sensible discussion with your wife about what the perfect solution would be and how to achieve it? Possibly something you can work towards so there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so it doesn't feel as if you are stuck in an unhappy position for ever with no get out. Try not to argue, think things through calmly, go for a walk, or a drive so you are not facing each other, it is supposed to be easier to have these sorts of conversations side by side than face on.

Anyway, I am now living in my son's house!

 

[AbigailPowell]

I believe that family life is quite complicated. I myself faced different situations and did not always understand what to do. Recently I came across an article https://us.calmerry.com/blog/relationships/i-hate-my-boyfriend-what-should-i-do/. It tells about a relationship with a boyfriend. I have experienced some of the situations personally. Now I can say that if I had come across this article earlier, I would have acted differently. Perhaps someone else had the same problems as me, so I advise you to read it to understand how to act in this situation.

 

[BRB John]

Oh well at least you have a healthy sum of money saved up from all those years of being paid a generous 70k a year....

 

[farmerm]

Reluctant or not, you and your parents needs to start open and honest discussions about all your expectations. You all owe that much to your children, their grandchildren and you owe it to your wife. If you don't know where you stand you cant even begin to cater for your own childrens future. You and your wife need to understand and appreciate your parents thoughts, fears and expectations, your parents needs to understand those of you and your wife. Do your parents expect to stay running the farm and in the farmhouse until they are 100? If they have the will to retire at some point, do they have the means to do so? Can they afford to live elsewhere and have an income? When you consider the potential costs of a family crisis, involving an independent mediator might be a very cheap investment... Many farming parents biggest fear is an offspring's divorce and a spouse taking half a business that has been their life. Ironically in faming circles the in-laws can be the most damaging influence on their offsprings marriage. How many of your none farming friends wives/husbands live in their inlaws house backyard, how many have their inlaws dictating their partners working hours or pay.

These things fester quickly, sort it before it gets out of hand. I have a friend who was in a similar situation 10 years ago, moving out of the farmhouse probably saved both his relationship with his wife and with his parents. When my wife and I were making plans to locate back here after working elsewhere my mother mooted the idea of splitting the house, in response I pointed out that I had not yet handed in my notice where I was....

How much of the farmhouse you have invested in will remain if your parents both end their days needing carehome living at £1000/week...

I've always thought Sian Bushell speaks a lot of sense on the subject...

FAMILY SUCCESSION First up today is Sian Bushell - Family Business and Succession Expert, who is here to talk to attendees about how to start planning... | By Agritourism Monitor Farm ProjectFacebook

FAMILY SUCCESSION First up today is Sian Bushell - Family Business and Succession Expert, who is here to talk to attendees about how to start planning...

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All I can add is, best of luck.